Comments on: Adoption Conversations, Interrupted (and How We Must Do Better)

By: Michelle

Michelle — Wed, 12 Dec 2012 16:38:03 +0000

Christa, you’re welcome, and thank you for those kind words! You are SO right — we need to spend less time talking about the sacrifice of the parents and put the needs of the abandoned children who have no family or advocate in the forefront. Such a good point! Thanks for reading and responding.

By: christa

christa — Tue, 11 Dec 2012 20:54:36 +0000

Michelle, thank you for speaking the truth with grace and love. I find many people talk about the sacrifice of the parents(foster, short term, or adoptive) time, energy or resources but the discussion about the child who has”no family, & has been abandoned and rejected” should be given just as much if not more time in the discussion.

By: Michelle

Michelle — Mon, 10 Dec 2012 19:21:44 +0000

In reply to Rebekah @ The Golden Gleam.

Rebekah, thank you so much for the congrats & for your wonderful comments!

I hear what you’re saying about the silent questions and I imagine those are yet to come for us.

Thank you! I feel that, in addition to going through the process ourselves, it’s important to educate others. I knew the needs were great, but I didn’t realize just how extensive they were until we started the journey. And of course, I’m more passionate about it now that we’re about to be parents this way.

That’s exactly right! Not every family is meant to be an adoptive one, but that doesn’t mean they’re off the hook or that there aren’t ways to help. I wanted to remind people of that!

Thanks again for reading & responding!

By: Rebekah @ The Golden Gleam

Rebekah @ The Golden Gleam — Mon, 26 Nov 2012 19:24:52 +0000

Congratulations on your impending adoption!!

We just adopted, and I think the most “questions” we got were the silent ones. When I showed up to our first daughter’s school with three more children, people wondered who the new children were, but I think were afraid to ask. Or they said, “Who are your friends?” or “They’re not your’s?” Since we went from one to four and obviously didn’t carry around a placard before placement announcing our bigger family, it drew quite a bit wonderment.

So wonderful you are speaking out and educating others about the need for children to have homes.

And I love that you touched on the idea that you don’t have to adopt to help a child who needs a home. There are lots of ways to help children in need. Not every family is meant to be an adoptive family.

By: Michelle

Michelle — Thu, 18 Oct 2012 11:42:11 +0000

Jodi, thank you for the congrats and for sharing our excitement! It’s great to hear from a friend of Erin’s. I do hope she and I can meet in person someday; we’ve developed such a great relationship online/through work! I’m pretty sure if we lived closer to each other we’d be meeting for tea on a regular basis.

I’m glad to hear the post hit home. I was beginning to fear that I got a little too feisty, because on the whole, our network of friends and family have been incredibly positive and have encouraged us through the ups and downs of this experience. I didn’t want them to think, “hey, we’ve been excited for you!”

But I wanted to talk back to those general public and acquaintances-type of people that are (most often) the ones who say the things I mentioned in the post. Talk back to the people who said to you “why did you adopt when you already have 2 of your own” and the subsequent “you are so good.” We’ve gotten that one too (this will be our first child and we’re not adopting out of infertility) and it is frustrating for sure! You’re right, I never thought of what that essentially implies on the other end — is it also “so good” to have bio kids?

I love your response though, and that’s been my thinking all along, I just haven’t always spoken it out loud. As Krista said in her comment above, she responds by saying, “Why not adopt?” I love the simplicity of that question back, and I think it captures the principles of your response too.

I do think that a lot of adoption talk — not just comments aimed directly at adoptive families, but the mainstream dialogue — is negative though, and I believe that needs to change. Going through this experience has made me aware of that and I want to advocate for a better way. Your last line — “We need to think of adoption as a wonderful way to grow families, not some sort of difficult sacrifice” is RIGHT ON. That’s exactly how I feel, and that was exactly the purpose of this post. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences, congratulations on all 3 of your wonderful children, and thank you for working to change the way people think about adoption! I’m with you!

By: Jodi

Jodi — Thu, 18 Oct 2012 03:13:13 +0000

Congrats Michelle! What an exciting time for you. My friend Erin Read Ruddick posted this and it hit home since we adopted our daughter 8 1/2 years ago from Korea. My favorite comment was when people asked why we chose to adopt (since we have 2 biological children). My response was and is always the same, “Because children do not choose the circumstances they are born into. They are innocent and we have so much.”. When I tell people this I usually get a “You are so good” kind of response. It irritates me. Was I good to have biological children? We need to think of adoption as a wonderful way to grow families, not some sort of difficult sacrifice.

By: Michelle

Michelle — Wed, 17 Oct 2012 15:56:42 +0000

Thank you, Krista! Congrats on your recent adoption anniversaries. I can’t wait until we’re celebrating ours!

Thanks so much for those beautiful and positive words. I completely agree — no matter how the baby/child comes to you, being a parent is a role like no other. I appreciate the encouragement and well wishes!

I love that — why not adopt. Such a great, simple response that cuts to the heart of the issue. Perfect! I will definitely use that in future conversations.

You’re welcome. I’ve been writing a lot about our experience so far, but have mostly focused on the process and how I’m excited to be a mother. Nothing wrong with those angles, but I felt it was time to expose some of the more challenging aspects and how other people play a part in that. That being said, I also wanted to challenge people to action, rather than continuing the cycle of negativity. Glad that it spoke to you.

Best to your family and your sweet girls!

By: krista

krista — Tue, 16 Oct 2012 12:46:26 +0000

Congratulations! We have just celebrated our first year with our eldest and in three months we will be celebrating our first year with our youngest adopted child. Once you become a parent, it doesn’t matter if the baby was adopted or not- you are their parent and have the most beautiful job ahead of you. I wish you nothing but the best. My answer when someone asks why we adopted: Why not adopt. I can think of nothing else I would rather do with my life than provide a loving family for my little girls. Thank you for the honesty of your article.

By: Michelle

Michelle — Mon, 15 Oct 2012 20:29:24 +0000

Thanks so much, Heather! You are so right — abstract is a great way to describe this phase. I imagine the waiting phase is quite different post-referral. Glad to hear from someone who has been there.

By: Heather

Heather — Mon, 15 Oct 2012 05:00:35 +0000

Congrats on your (pending) adoption! I remember how abstract this phase of the process was. Once you accept a referral, it becomes a new kind of waiting.