~ by Michelle Seitzer
Us: “We’re adopting a child from Bulgaria!”
Them, occasionally, but not often enough: “That’s great! How exciting for you.”
Them, in most adoption conversations:
a. “Oh boy. That means you’ll probably end up pregnant soon!”
b. “Make sure you get a baby, or a really young child.”
c. “My sister’s husband’s friend’s brother just adopted; do you want to talk to him about it?”
d. “We would do it too if it wasn’t so expensive.”
e. “Why don’t you just get one from around here? There are so many kids in the US who need homes.”
This post contains affiliate links. Thank you for your support!
Them, rarely, but unfortunately not never: “Can’t you have your own?”
We’re a year into the process of international adoption now, so we’ve heard the range of responses in adoption conversations, from the uplifting and heartening to the ridiculously insensitive and invasive.
We’re building our resistance to the latter, learning to accept that these mostly negative words — which often come from the most unexpected places — will continue even after our child is with us. Consequently, we’re becoming more and more grateful for the good words, pondering these and disregarding the others. Confession: it’s not easy to forget them though; they really stay with you.
We’ve also entered a new phase of comments and questions, since one year later we have no more information about our child-to-be or his/her arrival than when we started. Though they may come from a place of concern, the skeptical “Isn’t it working out?” or “You don’t have a child yet?” inquiries make me feel like we’re doing something wrong, that we’ve caused this delay.
I have learned so much about adoption in the last year, but the question that has boggled my mind the most is this: Why is adoption still viewed in such a negative light?
For the centuries that adoption has been in existence, haven’t we come further than statements like “how much did she cost?” as if she is not a human being but some major purchase like an investment property or a college degree?
I could definitely go on about the things people say in these adoption conversations, and how it diminishes our joy at the choice we’ve made to build our family this way*, and the implications of speaking about adoption like a business transaction, and how the difficulty of the process is absolutely necessary to protect vulnerable children here and abroad…
…BUT I want to move on, save that for another post, though it could probably fill a book.
We need to reframe the adoption conversations we encounter, whether we are adoptees, adoptive parents, or someone who may be guilty of embracing this negative view without even realizing it (because I know that most of the people who have said hurtful things did not intend any hurt).
I think we can — must — do better. For our adopted children and for families as a whole.
Let’s start by thinking about the child at the other end of the process. Yes, it’s sad that I have to wait so long to meet my child, but what saddens me more is that my child has no family, has been abandoned and rejected by the citizens of his/her home country.
Let’s educate ourselves on the immeasurable benefits of adoption, both for the parents and the children. Questions are fine, as long as they are spoken with sensitivity and respect for the family’s right to privacy. We know more than enough about the difficulties, the drawbacks, the downsides for both the parent and child. Let’s talk about the bright side.
Let’s take action in our neighborhoods and communities. There are orphans of all ages living all around us, and you don’t have to legally make them your children to help them. Be a mentor or friend. Help them find a job or apply to college. Give them a gift card for groceries, invite them to join your family for game night, or help them rotate their tires.
Let’s remember that all families, no matter how they are put together, are a sacred unit, and that our diversity should be celebrated, not questioned or criticized.
Let’s work together to put adoption in a positive light. Will you join me?
*from an excerpt in Cross-Cultural Adoption: How to Answer Questions from Family, Friends and Community, by Amy Coughlin and Caryn Abramowitz, page 56.
Michelle Seitzer is a writer who loves elders, chai lattes, satire, all things Norway, antiques, her family, NYC, the arts & her Boston Terriers. She is currently in the process of adopting a child from Bulgaria. To find out more about Michelle Seitzer, check out her web site, facebook page, and twitter! Thanks Michelle, for sharing your experiences in your adoption journey. I can’t wait to hear the great news that you have been matched with a child!:)
Congrats on your (pending) adoption! I remember how abstract this phase of the process was. Once you accept a referral, it becomes a new kind of waiting.
Thanks so much, Heather! You are so right — abstract is a great way to describe this phase. I imagine the waiting phase is quite different post-referral. Glad to hear from someone who has been there.
Congratulations! We have just celebrated our first year with our eldest and in three months we will be celebrating our first year with our youngest adopted child. Once you become a parent, it doesn’t matter if the baby was adopted or not- you are their parent and have the most beautiful job ahead of you. I wish you nothing but the best. My answer when someone asks why we adopted: Why not adopt. I can think of nothing else I would rather do with my life than provide a loving family for my little girls. Thank you for the honesty of your article.
Thank you, Krista! Congrats on your recent adoption anniversaries. I can’t wait until we’re celebrating ours!
Thanks so much for those beautiful and positive words. I completely agree — no matter how the baby/child comes to you, being a parent is a role like no other. I appreciate the encouragement and well wishes!
I love that — why not adopt. Such a great, simple response that cuts to the heart of the issue. Perfect! I will definitely use that in future conversations.
You’re welcome. I’ve been writing a lot about our experience so far, but have mostly focused on the process and how I’m excited to be a mother. Nothing wrong with those angles, but I felt it was time to expose some of the more challenging aspects and how other people play a part in that. That being said, I also wanted to challenge people to action, rather than continuing the cycle of negativity. Glad that it spoke to you.
Best to your family and your sweet girls!
Congrats Michelle! What an exciting time for you. My friend Erin Read Ruddick posted this and it hit home since we adopted our daughter 8 1/2 years ago from Korea. My favorite comment was when people asked why we chose to adopt (since we have 2 biological children). My response was and is always the same, “Because children do not choose the circumstances they are born into. They are innocent and we have so much.”. When I tell people this I usually get a “You are so good” kind of response. It irritates me. Was I good to have biological children? We need to think of adoption as a wonderful way to grow families, not some sort of difficult sacrifice.
Jodi, thank you for the congrats and for sharing our excitement! It’s great to hear from a friend of Erin’s. I do hope she and I can meet in person someday; we’ve developed such a great relationship online/through work! I’m pretty sure if we lived closer to each other we’d be meeting for tea on a regular basis.
I’m glad to hear the post hit home. I was beginning to fear that I got a little too feisty, because on the whole, our network of friends and family have been incredibly positive and have encouraged us through the ups and downs of this experience. I didn’t want them to think, “hey, we’ve been excited for you!”
But I wanted to talk back to those general public and acquaintances-type of people that are (most often) the ones who say the things I mentioned in the post. Talk back to the people who said to you “why did you adopt when you already have 2 of your own” and the subsequent “you are so good.” We’ve gotten that one too (this will be our first child and we’re not adopting out of infertility) and it is frustrating for sure! You’re right, I never thought of what that essentially implies on the other end — is it also “so good” to have bio kids?
I love your response though, and that’s been my thinking all along, I just haven’t always spoken it out loud. As Krista said in her comment above, she responds by saying, “Why not adopt?” I love the simplicity of that question back, and I think it captures the principles of your response too.
I do think that a lot of adoption talk — not just comments aimed directly at adoptive families, but the mainstream dialogue — is negative though, and I believe that needs to change. Going through this experience has made me aware of that and I want to advocate for a better way. Your last line — “We need to think of adoption as a wonderful way to grow families, not some sort of difficult sacrifice” is RIGHT ON. That’s exactly how I feel, and that was exactly the purpose of this post. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences, congratulations on all 3 of your wonderful children, and thank you for working to change the way people think about adoption! I’m with you!
Congratulations on your impending adoption!!
We just adopted, and I think the most “questions” we got were the silent ones. When I showed up to our first daughter’s school with three more children, people wondered who the new children were, but I think were afraid to ask. Or they said, “Who are your friends?” or “They’re not your’s?” Since we went from one to four and obviously didn’t carry around a placard before placement announcing our bigger family, it drew quite a bit wonderment.
So wonderful you are speaking out and educating others about the need for children to have homes.
And I love that you touched on the idea that you don’t have to adopt to help a child who needs a home. There are lots of ways to help children in need. Not every family is meant to be an adoptive family.
Rebekah, thank you so much for the congrats & for your wonderful comments!
I hear what you’re saying about the silent questions and I imagine those are yet to come for us.
Thank you! I feel that, in addition to going through the process ourselves, it’s important to educate others. I knew the needs were great, but I didn’t realize just how extensive they were until we started the journey. And of course, I’m more passionate about it now that we’re about to be parents this way.
That’s exactly right! Not every family is meant to be an adoptive one, but that doesn’t mean they’re off the hook or that there aren’t ways to help. I wanted to remind people of that!
Thanks again for reading & responding!
Michelle, thank you for speaking the truth with grace and love. I find many people talk about the sacrifice of the parents(foster, short term, or adoptive) time, energy or resources but the discussion about the child who has”no family, & has been abandoned and rejected” should be given just as much if not more time in the discussion.
Christa, you’re welcome, and thank you for those kind words! You are SO right — we need to spend less time talking about the sacrifice of the parents and put the needs of the abandoned children who have no family or advocate in the forefront. Such a good point! Thanks for reading and responding.