When my kids were 3 and 4, we began talking about race with our kids, especially when they noticed differences:
Vivi (age 3): “Mommy, Ana Maria has brown skin.”
Me: “Yes, she does. Who else do you know who has brown skin?”
V: “Um…. Olivia?”
Me: “Yep. How about in our family?”
(Thinking really hard, she can’t come up with anybody).
Me: “What about Tonito? Or your tíos?” [referring to her brother (China), and aunts and uncles (Mexico and Peru)].
V, after deliberating in her head and trying to picture them and imagine their faces, a light bulb goes off and she is excited at the realization: “Yes!”
From this day on, Vivi began to talk about skin color. We had celebrated our cultural heritage, but hadn’t made a point to talk specifically about the beautiful rainbow array of skin colors surrounding us. Her favorite question “why?” was the impetus of our quest to discover the reasons of skin color. This was my attempt to explain to a 3 year old that our physical traits existed because of our ancestral background– without getting in over her head about the human migration out of Africa, dominant and recessive genes, melanin, natural selection, etc:
V: “Why is her skin brown?”
Me: “It helps her to not get sunburn. Her relatives probably come from a place that is very sunny.”
V: “But why?”
Me: “Well, people who are from very sunny places by the equator have darker skin so they don’t get burned by the sun. The dark skin protects them from getting too sunburned.”
V: “Why is your skin so peachy?” (i.e. why are you so darn pale mommy?)
Me: “A long time ago, my relatives lived in a colder place that didn’t have a lot of sun, so their skin didn’t need to be protected.”
V: “Why?”
Me: “The people in the cold place didn’t need to have dark skin to protect them from sunburn, because it wasn’t very sunny… So they needed to get some sun.”
V: “Why?”
Me: “Everyone needs to get vitamins from the sunlight. The vitamins help us to stay strong. So our lighter skin helps us gets the vitamins faster, when it isn’t very sunny. But then we have to be careful not to get burned.”
V: “But why do some people have different skin?”
Me: “It just depends on where their families came from a long time ago. If they were from a sunny place, like in Kenya, they had dark skin so they wouldn’t get sunburned. But if they were from a colder place, like Poland, they had light skin to suck up the vitamins from the sun.”
V: “Can I go play?”
She listened intently, absorbed what she needed, and then went off to play. Researchers have found that talking to kids about race at their level and in explicit terms, helps kids to process what they have already noticed, and teaches them that it is OK to talk about race (at least with their parents). They also recommend starting this conversation by age 3! Weeks later in the supermarket my daughter loudly proclaimed while pointing to a fellow shopper “She must be from where it’s really sunny!” (we later discussed yelling and pointing in public!). She had been listening, and was using her new-found knowledge to make an observation. Noticing ethnic differences is not racist; labeling the differences as superior/inferior is. The research and experts say to throw out the idea of color blindness and melting pots, and open the communication lines with our kids: we need to stop thinking of race as taboo, and start talking about it- directly with our kids.
One sunny day at the park, a little girl (white) saw my son (black) playing in the sand. She excitedly shouted across the sandbox “Mommy!!!! He has brown skin just like Sammy!” I smiled at her as her mortified mother apologized, grabbed her by the arm, while hushing her and telling her it was time to go.
Unfortunately for my son, the little girl, and other kids playing nearby, the message that was sent was clear: race is an unspeakable, taboo topic. In fact, the little girl was only making a very excited observation- no one was offended, and the only thing my son wanted to know was “Who’s Sammy?” How would it have been handled differently if the girl had shouted “Look, she has red hair like Carly!” or “He wears glasses like Jacob!” The mom might have smiled, and said “Yes, he does.” When parents are uncomfortable, children witness the subtle changes in parents’ behavior and internalize it.
Is it because we don’t know what to say? Or we don’t want to say the wrong thing and “mess up” our kids? Are we so worried with offending people that we prefer to not talk about race at all? What should we be saying about race to our children and at what age?
1) Start young and “normalize” the conversation. Kids will naturally notice skin color, even if it is never pointed out to them. Many parents ask when is an appropriate age to begin the conversation. Research show that parents should open the communication around age 3, when their minds are at the developmental stage of forming opinions and conclusions about race. Studies done by Rebecca Bigler show that physical characteristics such as gender, skin color, and weight are plainly visible, and kids will use these categories to make assumptions about the kids in each group. Before their assumptions are set into stone, it is important to have conversations with our kids. I realized that my children had only ever seen female dentists when one of my girls was telling my son that boys couldn’t be dentists. “Boys and girls can be dentists” was followed by a general “Anyone with any skin color can be xyz,” and was brought up again during the election of 2008 that brought Barack Obama into power.
2) Be proactive and point out skin colors in books and toys: “Ooh, the boy is going to play in the snow! See his orange sled? Look at his red snowsuit. Look at his brown skin. See the white icicles?” or “This story is about an Asian-Amerian family that is celebrating Lunar New Year.” Make sure that your children have books, dolls, action figures, and movies that show a variety of cultures and physical characteristics.
3) Give them the language to talk about different races. When your child identifies another person as peach, or tan, or “like me,” use language that is appropriate in your country to accurately describe the people. For a while, my children were calling anyone of African ancestry “Ethiopian” (because of my son’s heritage). One day my son was frustrated because somebody called him “black” and he couldn’t understand why, since “my skin is ‘brown.'” We taught them “African-American,” “Asian-American,” “Hispanic,” “Latino,” etc.
4) Expose your children to diverse environments, including situations where authorities are of a minority race. For example, choose an African-American doctor or dentist, visit an international festival, attend Korean church one Sunday, or sign-up for a basketball team in a Hispanic neighborhood. Your children will observe your positive, respectful interactions of the Korean pastor, or the Latino coach and get the reinforced message that our racial background does not determine the quality of our character.
5) Instill ethnic pride. Because we are a multicultural and conspicuous family, it is especially important to speak openly about race. We need to arm our children with the ability to speak out against discrimination, it is our duty to instill ethnic pride and racial identity in our kids. Studies show that minority children are more likely to be engaged in school and attribute their academic success to their effort and ability when they are proud of who they are and have self-confidence in their ethnicity.
6) Finally, talk about historical discrimination. Discrimination exists, and it shouldn’t stop our children from achieving their goals. In a recent study, Dr. Harris-Britt warned not to overfocus on “predictions of future discrimination,” so that the children are not hyper-defensive. However, reading age-appropriate books about civil rights movements or apartheid for example, will teach children about mistakes from our past when people believe they are superior to other humans.
It is wonderful to expose your children to people of other races and cultures… but this is the beginning of the conversation, not the final solution. Continue the discussion about race and ethnicity and emphasize our connectedness as humans. This may be one of the most important lessons your children get from their parents.
How do you talk to your kids about race? When did they first notice differences? How do you instill ethnic pride? Start the discussion in the comment section, and let’s learn from each other..
Very interesting, thanks!
Good article!
Love this. My daughters just brought up the question this week as to why such a big deal is made about the color of person’s skin. Articles like this may help that question go away.
Good points. We talk about race matter-of-factly at home, but daughter (she is 5 now) rarely comments on anyone’s skin color, since race mixing is so common here in Silicon Valley. She is more fascinated by differences in clothes or obvious handicaps. One of her classmates is a sikh – she never said anything about his dark skin but went on and on about his turban.
It’s so interesting to see what draws the kids’ attentions.. My kids become fixated and what is unique or “new” to them, and I was just talking about this with a friend. She told me her rule for her 4 year old is that you can’t stare and stare at someone, without smiling and saying hello. I think children are naturally curious about people, and are constructing concepts in their heads about the world- so mine want to know why he’s wearing a turban for example, or why she uses a walker to walk. It’s a fine line between a polite question and rude staring and we are definitely trying to balance their curiosity against not being annoying:).
My precocious daughter, at the age of two, was crying over some small thing. I suggested we play tummy time (some skin to skin contact that usually was fun and silly. This time she wailed, “We can’t because we don’t match”. So our discussion began early about the color of her skin, and the color of ours (and by extension, others). We are still looking for a good word to replace “white” – since as light as I may be, I am not white. Right now she calls us gray and herself chocolate. Her brother (Chinese) is sometimes brown and sometimes some other color. We love the book, All the Colors of the Earth, and have found it to be wonderful in embracing the colors of people and giving the colors beautiful names.
I LOVE the book All the Colors of the Earth! My kids love to find themselves in the pictures, or say “She has hair like I do.” The illustrations are so rich, and the descriptions of the colors are beautiful. Thanks for reminding me, I need to read that again with them.
I love this! My kids have never seemed to care (they’ve never commented) when they see someone of a different race, so honestly, while we talk a lot about various cultures, we haven’t talked much about race specifically. We do have several books and one (Whoever You Are) has an asian girl and my daughter always says that it is a picture of her. For some reason she identifies with her, even though my daughter is blond haired and blue eyed. I love that she sees similarities and seems oblivious to the differences.
Great post, thanks for sharing it!
I’ve been using the word “melanin” to describe the why of skin color since my girls (2 adopted from China, now 6 & 8) were small, but it still takes a while for this idea to percolate, especially when they haven’t been affected (yet) by prejudice. When they were studying Dr King last month in school, I over heard a comment during a playdate with a friend who is Asian Indian re segragation, “if it was like then, we would be able to play together, because we’re both Chinese, but you’d have to play with other kids from India.”
I would like to introduce the word melanin to my kids- great idea. Kids like the facts, and I like using real vocabulary to describe their environment!
What a wonderful article! I will start these conversations with my kids since they seem to be at the right age (4 & 2). It’s also perfect timing since we’re living in brazil where the language difference is coming up in conversation. It can be a perfect segway into other differences in people around us. Thanks!
As a special education worker who works closely with children and teaches social skills courses daily, I have to say that this is truly one of the best articles I have read concerning diversity. I would recommend the book “Nurture Shock”, as the entire book is incredible, but there is a chapter discussing the importance of addressing race with children. Basically, studies show that by not addressing race issues we are letting media tell our children about race…and lets face it-that’s scary.
I completely agree Shalyn! We have to start talking about race- ignoring it does not mean that it doesn’t exist. I think people are scared that they will say the wrong thing, so instead they say nothing at all– which then tells the kids that it’s taboo. PS- I love Nurture Shock!:)
Great article, Becky!
Thanks Christy! I hope you are doing well:).
Great article! I also love the children’s book “The Colors Of Us,” and so does my 3 year old from Ethiopia. “I’m Chocolate, You’re Vanilla” is one I’m slowly reading through and find it helpful. I’m looking forward to checking out the other books mentioned as well. Thanks.
I am going to check out the books you recommended- I have heard so many people talk about I’m Chocolate, You’re Vanilla– I have to read it, and The Colors of Us. Thank you!
Excellent post! I’m another mother in a transracial family who highly recommends “I’m Chocolate, You’re Vanilla.” The interviews/research with children are so fascinating, and the breakdown of kids’ understanding by developmental stages is really helpful. The book also does a great job of explaining why *all* parents need to talk about race — caucasian parents are far too likely to think that ignoring race means their kids won’t notice any differences between people’s appearances. Every parent of color that I know would laugh out loud at that!
Thank you so much! That has been on my list of books to read forever- thank you for reminding me again. I can’t wait to read it- it sounds brilliant!
Great post, full of very practical ideas. I’m white, married to a black man and we have two kids. It’s been really interesting to hear their thoughts on race as they’ve gotten older. I really like your ideas on how to expand the conversation into the reasons people’s skin is the color it is… I’m going to mention it next time the subject of skin color comes up. Thanks for linking up to The Parent ‘Hood.. This is just the type of post we were hoping to see!
Thanks Megan:)- it is so nice to meet you! I love connecting with other similarly-minded moms. Thank you so much!
Oh wow! Great post 🙂 Good info! I”m going to bookmark this one 🙂
Thank you so much!:)